The Headache I Will Never Shake

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iuZTk1hdpMs

"I Fall To Pieces"

I fall to pieces
Each time I see you again
I fall to pieces
How can I be just your friend?

You want me to act like we've never kissed
You want me to forget (to forget)
Pretend we've never met (never met)
And I've tried and I've tried, but I haven't yet
You walk by and I fall to pieces

I fall to pieces
Each time someone speaks your name (speaks your name)
I fall to pieces
Time only adds to the flame

You tell me to find someone else to love
Someone who'll love me too (love me too)
The way you used to do (used to do)
But each time I go out with someone new
You walk by and I fall to pieces
You walk by and I fall to pieces

-----------------------------------------------

For the past 6 months I have been feeling like a full cup, and the moment he is mentioned..I lose my shit completely. To be told he lost all of his love for me even before deciding to moving back in with me is the shittiest feeling in the world. A waste of life force and time I will never get back.
Holy fuck, this song just says it all. Thanks for the years of torture you've graciously provided disguised as good intentions.

I never want someone to affect me this horrifically again.
I never will let someone get that close to me ever again.
It's bad enough when men decide to abuse me in blatant ways, but this is truly unforgivable. A man that spent a great deal of his time tweaking me to his standards and specifications only to abandon me after promising he never would. The sad part is that I believed it was for a beautiful future he continuously dangled before me that will never happen. This nightmare will end soon, as I have issued him his walking papers and finally give up. The giving up part is not what hurts, it's unfathomable to me how someone could be so unmoved by someone who always put them first. You sir, are more of a vile creature than I ever could be. I need to be rid of this dense plague of futility and loneliness that weighs on me from the moment I rise to the moment I have to medicate myself into multiple nightmare laced sleep. All of the pretending stops here.

Ice Hotel Heart

Sarah McLachlan - Ice

The ice is thin come on dive in
Underneath my lucid skin
The cold is lost forgotten
Hours pass days pass time stands still
Light gets dark and darkness fills
My secret heart forbidden
I think you worried for me then
The subtle ways that I'd give in but I know
You liked the show
Tied down to this bed of shame
You tried to move around the pain but oh
Your soul is anchored
The only comfort is the moving of the river
You enter into me, a lie upon your lips
Offer what you can, I'll take all that I can get
Only a fool's here
I don't like your tragic sighs
As if your god has passed you by well hey fool
That's your deception
Your angels speak with jilted tongues
The serpent's tale has come undone you have no
Strength to squander
The only comfort is the moving of the river
You enter into me, a lie upon your lips
Offer what you can, I'll take all that I can get
Only a fool's here to stay
Only a fool's here to stay
Only a fool's here

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As the years pass, I find that no matter what I do, what I change, what I overcome or what I learn...I am just hurting in the end. I remember a time when I was loved...I remember being appreciated and loved back with the same love I gave forth. Now all I can remember in recent history is beyond fair compromises, abuse, neglect, being toyed with and reciprocated love. Through every mistake I have made, I have more than atoned  and corrected my behavior and mindset to make sure those mistakes never happen again. I may be the better for it, but with no one to share these triumphs, I am left feeling as the remnants of the beautiful Ice Hotel in Sweden  

I have always been a person to help people forget their woes and troubles...pick them up many miles away..travel hours just to see them..transport their souls, not just their bodies. Offer comfort and refuge to damaged friends, lovers and family (blood and otherwise). It's what I do. A transparent fort strong enough to sustain anything the visitors of my life ever needed..but fun and warmth is what was found inside.

These past few years of dealing with life-draing, toxic, vapid, stubborn, lying, monsters that have no respect for me or the changes that have made me this substantial person,(not saying I am important, but I have realized some self worth) has worn my core thin.

I am now transforming into this uninhabitable thing. Used up..disintegrating..dangerous..repulsive. I made every effort to not have people in my life that would do this to me. I also want to save lost, hurt and damaged souls. I feel too much, but I have at least learned that the best way to avoid collapse is to avoid people. It is a severely lonely and hollow existence for me personally. Since I have changed my terrible ways, I have been welcomed by even stranger predicaments. Everyone that I love either leaves me, lives with me out of convenience lovelessly, or abuses me to a point where I have to eject them from my life completely.

So, I will remain this loathsome thing drifting into the unknown until I find a good reason to either rebuild myself...or wander into warmer climates and become something new. Change may be inevitable, but my heart stays the same. It's the wanting and thoughts of the future that is driving me insane with anxiety. C'est La Vie.

-

Will Cotton (American, b. 1965)

Ice Cream Cavern 2003

oil on linen 70 x 80 inches

Wish I knew...


Conor Harrington -Black Herds of the Rain


Hans Kanters




I have a hard time deliberating over what is more appealing to me right now...Death or Hentai. There's no contest.

"I'll Stay Here In My Corner..'Cause That's All That I Can Do"

I don't know what I am anymore. I don't enjoy the pain I inflict on myself..I can't enjoy the pleasure I inflict on myself for a lack of desire when by myself..Those I surround myself with are either cowards, negative vibe inducing, self absorbed, or inconsiderate..those that are not it seems I am either forced to or feel compelled to draw myself away from. I don't want to taint their calm waters with calamity. I hate being alone, yet have strangely felt ill at ease as of late if I am not. I am down to only wanting to hang with all of like 3 people on a regular basis and have little to no patience nor tolerance for anyone otherwise. I am no perfect cream puff either..but I seem to prefer to be an asshole by myself than infect the rest of this already pretty lousy world any further. Is this what becoming an adult is all about? Pushing yourself so far into your own corner until you can't stand being without it? I am having so much fun..please..I can do this forever. I miss wanting to share my life with someone that was awesome to share it with. I miss being that person that was willing to share it. Too many fucking boxes I will never fit into and quite honestly...I don't want to. I'm not your mother. I'm not your savior. I'm not your accomplice. I'm not your camcorder. I'm not your GameBoy. I am not your treadmill. I am not your fish tank. I am not your baby. I am not your problem. I am not your crutch. I am not your maid. I am not your strength. I am not the reason you hate yourself. I am not the reason you can't get enough of yourself. EVERYONE NEEDS TO FUCK OFF!! I am officially off the radar for a while.



Little Conversations - Concrete Blonde


The Little Conversation
Is Over Very Soon
And I watch in admiration
From my corner of the room.
They shine on you with starry eyes...
They rain a friendly storm.
Like kids around a Christmas tree
And then you smile all nice and warm

The Little Conversations
If I tried my very best
You know I never could say anything
In twenty words or less.
Somewhere, sometime, down the line
Someday I may confess,
And tell you all, that's all

The Little Conversations
On me are very rough
They leave me all in pieces
You know there's never time enough
It's like a book with missing pages
A story incomplete
It's like a painting left unfinished
It feels like not enough to eat.
Starvin'!

You know, these little conversations
Well for me they'll never do
Now what am I supposed to do with
Broken sentences of you?
I'll stay in my corner 'cause
That's all that i can do
And let the others speak for me.
Little Conversations
Are We.

I don't understand how on the face of this planet..the person who took this picture completely did not wrap those most exquisite fishnet laced stems of hers around his neck in an attempt to die with a grin like no other kind of death can do? I guess he is a gentleman like myself..or a hopeless idiot that probably has no idea what to do with those delicately stringed checker boards of bliss..even if she blatantly stuffs those sexy as all kinds of any kind of hell knee in to photo-hero's chest...begging to have you be the lucky sunnnaaaavaaaa-bitch that can rip them in to tiny shreads in order to giver the screaming orgasm she needs.. I know I would not have to be asked more than once. I think I'd just feel:

Sanctified - Nine Inch Nails

or perhaps I'm Just Too:

Physical - Nine Inch Nails

Ceaseless Squandering of Peaceful Ponderings

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpqovWVQrX0


I DO NOT WANT THIS - Nine Inch Nails

I'm losing ground
you know how this world can beat you down
and I'm made of clay
I fear I'm the only one who thinks this way

I'm always falling down this same hill
bamboo puncturing this skin
and nothing comes bleeding out of me
just like a waterfall I'm drowning in
two feet below the surface
I can still make out your wavy face
and if I could just reach you
maybe I could leave this place

I do not want this
I do not want this
I do not want this
I do not want this

and don't you tell me how I feel
don't you tell me how I feel
don't you tell me how I feel
you don't know just how I feel

I stay inside my bed
I have lived so many lives all in my head
and don't tell me that you care
there really isn't anything now, is there?

you would know, wouldn't you?
you extend your hand to those who suffer
to those who know what it really feels like
to those who've had a taste
like that means something
and oh so sick I am
and maybe I don't have a choice
and maybe that is all I have
and maybe this is a cry for help

I do not want this
I do not want this
I do not want this
I do not want this

and don't you tell me how I feel
don't you tell me how I feel
don't you tell me how I feel
you don't know just how I feel

I want to know everything
I want to be everywhere
I want to fuck everyone in the world
I want to do something that matters



Every day here is a joke. The joke of the cruel variety. I have reached the other side and do not like this side of the fence. I wish I were on this side earlier to better know not to now what I now know. Knowing what I know is a knife to my heart every waking day. The same knife that I could have destroyed before it hurt the ones I care for now. I just want it to stop..attach wide gauged tubes to where my veins reside with epoxy and somehow manage to make a blood sausage from my own intestines before I go into shock. I want nothing more right now that to drink a bag of cement mix and take my last trip to the ocean. I feel like the biggest hypocrite in all of creation right now. I have no right to feel this way. I can not deny that I do. I am tired of feeling at all. I want to make this perpetual nightmare stop. I don't know how to feel better even though I have tried and have many reasons to not feel like this. I need a shrink or meds. I don't want to consistently feel inadequate. I am tired of being anxious practically ALL THE TIME. I've at least stopped binge-eating. But now, I don't even have an appetite any more. I drink to kill my pain..and it alleviates it for all of a few hours. But I wake up and don't want to be alive knowing I was never enough for anyone. I don't want to be around someone who I have spent nothing but months to be considerate to not have the consideration returned. I fucking hate every day I am here with the exception of but a few moments here and there. This house is a black hole that destroys only things that can't be killed with my bare hands. My spirit, my sanity, my inner sanctum, my peace, my concentration, my dreams, my will to do things, the money to do them with, my pride, my sense of what's fair...all consumed by this structure. Fucking amazing. If not for the fear of doing it wrong, fear of pain, or fear of how the few I care about would feel..I would have succeeded by now. Maybe the house will take this away from me too and then I can be at peace. This house is too much of a beast to let me go that easily. I wish it would take my memories along with everything else it has deprived and rid me of. The worst part is I did it to myself..and led myself here. Good job. Can't thank myself enough right now. Please kill me.

A Decade of Decline and Disgrace Highlighted by Moments of Deliberation

Being in countless relationships I feel I have earned my complaining rights. Time for an overview. First to last in this 10 year long hallway of fragmented interactions. (Not in any particular order though.) Three lines at a time...whether adored or loathed...can't help the symmetry at times. So without further a'deau (however it's spelled)...sentiments.



The Raven exterior though blind as a bat
Saw through me to my core (which may or may not)
Be clad in leather armor. Birds of a feather forever.

A midget blue eyed decadent who could have injured
More than my trust or bones cast away by
The throwing of a crystal cat. Thank you for finally learning!

An O.C.D. Clean freak as a product of not wanting to appear "poor".
Spawned by a prostitute and social retard who "swore my protection".
He is now worth nothing in my eyes for what he's done, for it was everything but.

A sweet and shy wizard with a touch that was like static..

An eternally curious Master. I am still glad to see him grow and glow and his
Soul still expands with every breath he draws and expels.

The angel I've crossed paths with too many times this decade and the one before it.
Your feelings of unrest I hope have been your creative outlet.
If we cross paths again..please keep walking.

The arrogant prince with the void where one's soul is supposed to be.
Wallowing in my self-pity, you found and nurtured this monster well.
Even past your breaking point...at knife point I won.

The guardian and savior...from day one there to protect me.
Though I can only take you in doses, you've most certainly kept
Me well though I have stirred the cage all too well. My eternal thanks.

The tormented virtuoso with enough anger to fuel a lighthouse. You almost
Made me destroy myself..I am glad you have found the inner peace you
Lacked when you were younger..now be better for your kids!

Have you ever heard of a laid back yet rowdy person? So loud to the crowd,
So soft spoken when 1 on 1. History obsessed but a truly Zen livelihood.
Your antics make me sad, but maybe one day you won't need them.

To the Camaro obsessed dramaqueen. Not a day goes by that I am
Glad to be rid of you. Hyperactive at your best, your qualities
Were once admirable. Your insecurities and compulsive lying disgust me.

The adorable little Kushka. A good kitty still to this day, our time was fun.
You are lighthearted and childish in a good way. Thanks for
Sharing your Castlevania obsessions and Matrix know hows! : )

A Nihilist with a heart, I have learned much from you and cannot imagine
Being who I am today without you. You were there for me through the worst of things.
I admire you for trying till you stopped. All for the better, we are too intense!

The ex-solder with hopes of capturing your yesteryears in a girl. Love cannot be bought.
Your lack of empathy and abundance of lust combined by your Aries attitude..
A terrible combination. You are a better friend if you want to keep people at arms length.

My first girlfriend..Thanks for breaking down the walls and thanks for helping build others.
A traitor and a chicken..a stoner and a snob...I remember you when you were a playful princess.
You expect me to care that you are in town..I want to see your hair hanging from the trees.

Phoenix's are known for their regeneration and destroying of the self. Could not suit you any Better. There is only so much a person can take after one takes all the steps to start building
Dreams. I hope you find some sort of peace within yourself these days.

To he and she that allowed me to be free. I felt us as unstoppable and enjoyed our enactments
Of shared desires. There is nothing like it in the world. A kind of bliss that not everyone can find.
To be a pet and willing slave to you both was a pleasure and an honor.

The girl who almost ripped my head off. THANK YOU! One of the sexiest women I know I will
Ever encounter. Thank you for choosing me..for letting me enjoy you and please you.
You are one of the most exuberant people I will ever know in this world!

Horror Film Queen. I wish we had more time alone. The time spent was sweet..
I hope you enjoyed me, but I guess not enough to keep me. I hope it was by
Circumstance as opposed to something I did or failed to do. I adore you!

A sweet little singer I will never stop appreciating. Your sentiment for friendship and
Common ground politics are uncanny! I was lovesick for you.. not wanting to watch you suffer. I hope you are slowly being rid of these demons. God bless your black heart!

A grand companion in my weakest times. Thank you for being a gentleman in a world with so Few. Hot as hell for your age, your inner peace shined and I think some of that rubbed off on
Me for that little while. I hope I brought some joy your way, you certainly did. Domo!

To a sexy ex-bull rider..Your spontaneity was exquisite! More fun than a roller derby,
You made my 1st stay in FL a blast. Sucks that it was so late in the trip..but all for the best.
Thank you for burying the last of my rat family with me. That means a ton. What a guy.

To the simple kind of man. A dog and a house and a lot of art about. What else is there to need?
Some awesome company and awesome friends to go to awesome shows with and the occasional
Karaoke. Stress free and a loud snoring teddy bear. Kudos to you sir.

To a sweet nighthawk..glad you are staying sweet. With a passion for books and anime, you
Are a kind hearted giant. Thanks for the moral support whilst so far away.
Keeping me safe for many cold nights. Good times!

The one with the mischief in your eyes. Silent rave and zombie escapades..Keeping the Adventure and romance alive. Too wild and drunken for my tastes...but awesome none the less.
We were close there..such amazing food and fun moments. Glad to remember them.

The guy who knows me best. I can never go a day without hoping you're ok. Your line of work Forces worry in me. You have remained one of the realest people I know and ever will. I admire Your honesty and straight forward nature. You are a GOD amongst ants! My best friend always.

My partner in crime, I never have to worry about being myself around you. Years lapse and it's
Like we only spoke yesterday! I hope we will always stay like this. Through the years,
You never change and I hope you never do.

The Most Pretty Boy In The World. I was your house cat. You were just "there". Content with Our hollow yet complacent co-existance. You never tried, I tried and you deflected all my
Attempts. You left me with nothing. After you left I shattered like an over spun wine glass. Tnx.

I always wanted you. You always wanted me to. We know it was inevitable. I think you are a Hypocrite and a liar. Lord knows what this makes me. Why did you do it? I guess if you knew, You wouldn'tve . I don't know how to want now, don't know what to want now or deserve at all.


There are quite a few things I have left out Iin here, but for now..I think this is enough. I don't even know if this has helped anyone get a better understanding of me or how I view things. I write these things because I am compelled to. I can not stop. I know that none of these people have never made me feel complete. I have felt as an accessory to try and complete them and were brought along for the ride. Some I was their first anythings. Some I've helped heal. Some I've been at the heels of. Some have been a pain in my heel. Some have kept pace and others were far behind. Others are wounds that will never heal and then there are the ones that got away. All were very insightful in some way...And I am so tired of learning, for these very reasons and lessons have taken their toll on me. I am tired of being the plug to fill the holes in people. Tired of people thinking that they are the only thing in the world to me (like in a "they're the most important person in the world" sense). I am not here for your entertainment. I am not a thing to be "had" or "taken" or "fought for". I have been happy at times, but there is a widening gap in my own heart. And I am sorry I don't know what to do about it right now. What I want, maybe no one person can ever give me. It may cost too much of themselves to do it, and nobody should ever have to do that. Perhaps better off alone or dead..as I feel I have reached my capacity for more deliberated learning and teaching. Accept me or don't. Either way will yield experience. An experience you will never forget for the rest of your days. I know in another ten years..I will not be writing out this kind of a reflection. I don't want to know this many people in the sense I came to know the ones here.

"...My heart is only getting lonelier..."- Mido in the movie OLDBOY.