Saturday, December 19, 2009

A Decade of Decline and Disgrace Highlighted by Moments of Deliberation

Being in countless relationships I feel I have earned my complaining rights. Time for an overview. First to last in this 10 year long hallway of fragmented interactions. (Not in any particular order though.) Three lines at a time...whether adored or loathed...can't help the symmetry at times. So without further a'deau (however it's spelled)...sentiments.

The Raven exterior though blind as a bat
Saw through me to my core (which may or may not)
Be clad in leather armor. Birds of a feather forever.

A midget blue eyed decadent who could have injured
More than my trust or bones cast away by
The throwing of a crystal cat. Thank you for finally learning!

An O.C.D. Clean freak as a product of not wanting to appear "poor".
Spawned by a prostitute and social retard who "swore my protection".
He is now worth nothing in my eyes for what he's done, for it was everything but.

A sweet and shy wizard with a touch that was like static..
An eternally curious Master. I am still glad to see him grow and glow and his
Soul still expands with every breath he draws and expels.

The angel I've crossed paths with too many times this decade and the one before it.
Your feelings of unrest I hope have been your creative outlet.
If we cross paths again..please keep walking.

The arrogant prince with the void where one's soul is supposed to be.
Wallowing in my self-pity, you found and nurtured this monster well.
Even past your breaking knife point I won.

The guardian and savior...from day one there to protect me.
Though I can only take you in doses, you've most certainly kept
Me well though I have stirred the cage all too well. My eternal thanks.

The tormented virtuoso with enough anger to fuel a lighthouse. You almost
Made me destroy myself..I am glad you have found the inner peace you
Lacked when you were be better for your kids!

Have you ever heard of a laid back yet rowdy person? So loud to the crowd,
So soft spoken when 1 on 1. History obsessed but a truly Zen livelihood.
Your antics make me sad, but maybe one day you won't need them.

To the Camaro obsessed dramaqueen. Not a day goes by that I am
Glad to be rid of you. Hyperactive at your best, your qualities
Were once admirable. Your insecurities and compulsive lying disgust me.

The adorable little Kushka. A good kitty still to this day, our time was fun.
You are lighthearted and childish in a good way. Thanks for
Sharing your Castlevania obsessions and Matrix know hows! : )

A Nihilist with a heart, I have learned much from you and cannot imagine
Being who I am today without you. You were there for me through the worst of things.
I admire you for trying till you stopped. All for the better, we are too intense!

The ex-solder with hopes of capturing your yesteryears in a girl. Love cannot be bought.
Your lack of empathy and abundance of lust combined by your Aries attitude..
A terrible combination. You are a better friend if you want to keep people at arms length.

My first girlfriend..Thanks for breaking down the walls and thanks for helping build others.
A traitor and a chicken..a stoner and a snob...I remember you when you were a playful princess.
You expect me to care that you are in town..I want to see your hair hanging from the trees.

Phoenix's are known for their regeneration and destroying of the self. Could not suit you any Better. There is only so much a person can take after one takes all the steps to start building
Dreams. I hope you find some sort of peace within yourself these days.

To he and she that allowed me to be free. I felt us as unstoppable and enjoyed our enactments
Of shared desires. There is nothing like it in the world. A kind of bliss that not everyone can find.
To be a pet and willing slave to you both was a pleasure and an honor.

The girl who almost ripped my head off. THANK YOU! One of the sexiest women I know I will
Ever encounter. Thank you for choosing me..for letting me enjoy you and please you.
You are one of the most exuberant people I will ever know in this world!

Horror Film Queen. I wish we had more time alone. The time spent was sweet..
I hope you enjoyed me, but I guess not enough to keep me. I hope it was by
Circumstance as opposed to something I did or failed to do. I adore you!

A sweet little singer I will never stop appreciating. Your sentiment for friendship and
Common ground politics are uncanny! I was lovesick for you.. not wanting to watch you suffer. I hope you are slowly being rid of these demons. God bless your black heart!

A grand companion in my weakest times. Thank you for being a gentleman in a world with so Few. Hot as hell for your age, your inner peace shined and I think some of that rubbed off on
Me for that little while. I hope I brought some joy your way, you certainly did. Domo!

To a sexy ex-bull rider..Your spontaneity was exquisite! More fun than a roller derby,
You made my 1st stay in FL a blast. Sucks that it was so late in the trip..but all for the best.
Thank you for burying the last of my rat family with me. That means a ton. What a guy.

To the simple kind of man. A dog and a house and a lot of art about. What else is there to need?
Some awesome company and awesome friends to go to awesome shows with and the occasional
Karaoke. Stress free and a loud snoring teddy bear. Kudos to you sir.

To a sweet nighthawk..glad you are staying sweet. With a passion for books and anime, you
Are a kind hearted giant. Thanks for the moral support whilst so far away.
Keeping me safe for many cold nights. Good times!

The one with the mischief in your eyes. Silent rave and zombie escapades..Keeping the Adventure and romance alive. Too wild and drunken for my tastes...but awesome none the less.
We were close there..such amazing food and fun moments. Glad to remember them.

The guy who knows me best. I can never go a day without hoping you're ok. Your line of work Forces worry in me. You have remained one of the realest people I know and ever will. I admire Your honesty and straight forward nature. You are a GOD amongst ants! My best friend always.

My partner in crime, I never have to worry about being myself around you. Years lapse and it's
Like we only spoke yesterday! I hope we will always stay like this. Through the years,
You never change and I hope you never do.

The Most Pretty Boy In The World. I was your house cat. You were just "there". Content with Our hollow yet complacent co-existance. You never tried, I tried and you deflected all my
Attempts. You left me with nothing. After you left I shattered like an over spun wine glass. Tnx.

I always wanted you. You always wanted me to. We know it was inevitable. I think you are a Hypocrite and a liar. Lord knows what this makes me. Why did you do it? I guess if you knew, You wouldn'tve . I don't know how to want now, don't know what to want now or deserve at all.

There are quite a few things I have left out Iin here, but for now..I think this is enough. I don't even know if this has helped anyone get a better understanding of me or how I view things. I write these things because I am compelled to. I can not stop. I know that none of these people have never made me feel complete. I have felt as an accessory to try and complete them and were brought along for the ride. Some I was their first anythings. Some I've helped heal. Some I've been at the heels of. Some have been a pain in my heel. Some have kept pace and others were far behind. Others are wounds that will never heal and then there are the ones that got away. All were very insightful in some way...And I am so tired of learning, for these very reasons and lessons have taken their toll on me. I am tired of being the plug to fill the holes in people. Tired of people thinking that they are the only thing in the world to me (like in a "they're the most important person in the world" sense). I am not here for your entertainment. I am not a thing to be "had" or "taken" or "fought for". I have been happy at times, but there is a widening gap in my own heart. And I am sorry I don't know what to do about it right now. What I want, maybe no one person can ever give me. It may cost too much of themselves to do it, and nobody should ever have to do that. Perhaps better off alone or I feel I have reached my capacity for more deliberated learning and teaching. Accept me or don't. Either way will yield experience. An experience you will never forget for the rest of your days. I know in another ten years..I will not be writing out this kind of a reflection. I don't want to know this many people in the sense I came to know the ones here.

"...My heart is only getting lonelier..."- Mido in the movie OLDBOY.