Sunday, August 24, 2014

"I Appear Missing"

Queens of the Stone Age - I Appear Missing

It's nights like this I fear for my life. Wishing it were different. Wishing for the cycles to end. Wanting to get off this sick joke of a Gravitron ride. All the thrills are gone. My true happiness is split. One end hovers like a lingering fart, the other end laughing at me secretly. I am a ghost to this place. A ghost almost everywhere I go. Not nearly as mythical, mystical or mysterious though. I can be debunked easily. The love I want taunts me ceaselessly...some days it's just easier to ignore the loogies it hacks into my face. A perpetual dunk tank. Some days, the water is colder than the last stupid time I fell in. I wonder what I taunted so bad to end up here? Just as I feel everyone got to their own unhappiness and dissatisfaction by their own doing, I am no different. I feel distracted constantly. Bullied frequently. Nights like this I feel like I am being buried alive..because some nights I feel the dirt hit my chest more noticeably than others. Some nights, there's just more dirt and I can't avoid the sensation. My joy flees me despite my craving for it to last. It seems to scurry as a child grabs a cat by its tail. I fantasize about dying more than I ever have. It comforts me to know that one day, I will not have to go to a job that a boss derives sick pleasure in talking to me like a piece of live in a place that doesn't feel like home because I have no family or friends to greet or be greeted by that I would just live to make every waking moment their happiness and dreams come support and love effortlessly..I would give the entirety of my now dwindling focus. I would give ANYTHING to be happy again. To feel again. To be allowed to feel again. I don't live to make money to pay bills and rent, but here I am doing it. My happiness is so sparse..this is why nights like this are dangerous for me. I am a person who is happy for any little thing...and I look hard and long for them (the moments where happiness lay)...but this emptiness is still growing and I can't seem to find it. Despite feeling comfortable with myself finally...I have never felt lonelier in my entire life. I appreciate the people who are with me in this journey...but I do not want to burden them with my feelings. I am also not wanted the way I would like to be wanted : as a life mate, as someone to build a future with, as not someone who completes someone else, but as two people who are whole on their own together. I almost had it..and at one time had it and lost it. I don't have the desire to go through it all again. To lose it all again. There's not much left here. I just wish the rest of me would either be cultivated, or just blown away like the last speck of crumbs at the edge of a table. I am grateful for everything in my life...but I have the right to not be happy and to want better for myself. I'll start with my soup. Need better soup.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

The Headache I Will Never Shake

"I Fall To Pieces"

I fall to pieces
Each time I see you again
I fall to pieces
How can I be just your friend?

You want me to act like we've never kissed
You want me to forget (to forget)
Pretend we've never met (never met)
And I've tried and I've tried, but I haven't yet
You walk by and I fall to pieces

I fall to pieces
Each time someone speaks your name (speaks your name)
I fall to pieces
Time only adds to the flame

You tell me to find someone else to love
Someone who'll love me too (love me too)
The way you used to do (used to do)
But each time I go out with someone new
You walk by and I fall to pieces
You walk by and I fall to pieces


For the past 6 months I have been feeling like a full cup, and the moment he is mentioned..I lose my shit completely. To be told he lost all of his love for me even before deciding to moving back in with me is the shittiest feeling in the world. A waste of life force and time I will never get back.
Holy fuck, this song just says it all. Thanks for the years of torture you've graciously provided disguised as good intentions.

I never want someone to affect me this horrifically again.
I never will let someone get that close to me ever again.
It's bad enough when men decide to abuse me in blatant ways, but this is truly unforgivable. A man that spent a great deal of his time tweaking me to his standards and specifications only to abandon me after promising he never would. The sad part is that I believed it was for a beautiful future he continuously dangled before me that will never happen. This nightmare will end soon, as I have issued him his walking papers and finally give up. The giving up part is not what hurts, it's unfathomable to me how someone could be so unmoved by someone who always put them first. You sir, are more of a vile creature than I ever could be. I need to be rid of this dense plague of futility and loneliness that weighs on me from the moment I rise to the moment I have to medicate myself into multiple nightmare laced sleep. All of the pretending stops here.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Ice Hotel Heart

Sarah McLachlan - Ice

The ice is thin come on dive in
Underneath my lucid skin
The cold is lost forgotten
Hours pass days pass time stands still
Light gets dark and darkness fills
My secret heart forbidden
I think you worried for me then
The subtle ways that I'd give in but I know
You liked the show
Tied down to this bed of shame
You tried to move around the pain but oh
Your soul is anchored
The only comfort is the moving of the river
You enter into me, a lie upon your lips
Offer what you can, I'll take all that I can get
Only a fool's here
I don't like your tragic sighs
As if your god has passed you by well hey fool
That's your deception
Your angels speak with jilted tongues
The serpent's tale has come undone you have no
Strength to squander
The only comfort is the moving of the river
You enter into me, a lie upon your lips
Offer what you can, I'll take all that I can get
Only a fool's here to stay
Only a fool's here to stay
Only a fool's here


As the years pass, I find that no matter what I do, what I change, what I overcome or what I learn...I am just hurting in the end. I remember a time when I was loved...I remember being appreciated and loved back with the same love I gave forth. Now all I can remember in recent history is beyond fair compromises, abuse, neglect, being toyed with and reciprocated love. Through every mistake I have made, I have more than atoned  and corrected my behavior and mindset to make sure those mistakes never happen again. I may be the better for it, but with no one to share these triumphs, I am left feeling as the remnants of the beautiful Ice Hotel in Sweden  
I have always been a person to help people forget their woes and troubles...pick them up many miles hours just to see them..transport their souls, not just their bodies. Offer comfort and refuge to damaged friends, lovers and family (blood and otherwise). It's what I do. A transparent fort strong enough to sustain anything the visitors of my life ever needed..but fun and warmth is what was found inside.
These past few years of dealing with life-draing, toxic, vapid, stubborn, lying, monsters that have no respect for me or the changes that have made me this substantial person,(not saying I am important, but I have realized some self worth) has worn my core thin.
I am now transforming into this uninhabitable thing. Used up..disintegrating..dangerous..repulsive. I made every effort to not have people in my life that would do this to me. I also want to save lost, hurt and damaged souls. I feel too much, but I have at least learned that the best way to avoid collapse is to avoid people. It is a severely lonely and hollow existence for me personally. Since I have changed my terrible ways, I have been welcomed by even stranger predicaments. Everyone that I love either leaves me, lives with me out of convenience lovelessly, or abuses me to a point where I have to eject them from my life completely.

So, I will remain this loathsome thing drifting into the unknown until I find a good reason to either rebuild myself...or wander into warmer climates and become something new. Change may be inevitable, but my heart stays the same. It's the wanting and thoughts of the future that is driving me insane with anxiety. C'est La Vie.
Will Cotton
(American, b. 1965)
Ice Cream Cavern
oil on linen
x 80 inches

Monday, March 12, 2012

Wish I knew...

Conor Harrington -Black Herds of the Rain

Hans Kanters

I have a hard time deliberating over what is more appealing to me right now...Death or Hentai. There's no contest.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

"I'll Stay Here In My Corner..'Cause That's All That I Can Do"

I don't know what I am anymore. I don't enjoy the pain I inflict on myself..I can't enjoy the pleasure I inflict on myself for a lack of desire when by myself..Those I surround myself with are either cowards, negative vibe inducing, self absorbed, or inconsiderate..those that are not it seems I am either forced to or feel compelled to draw myself away from. I don't want to taint their calm waters with calamity. I hate being alone, yet have strangely felt ill at ease as of late if I am not. I am down to only wanting to hang with all of like 3 people on a regular basis and have little to no patience nor tolerance for anyone otherwise. I am no perfect cream puff either..but I seem to prefer to be an asshole by myself than infect the rest of this already pretty lousy world any further. Is this what becoming an adult is all about? Pushing yourself so far into your own corner until you can't stand being without it? I am having so much fun..please..I can do this forever. I miss wanting to share my life with someone that was awesome to share it with. I miss being that person that was willing to share it. Too many fucking boxes I will never fit into and quite honestly...I don't want to. I'm not your mother. I'm not your savior. I'm not your accomplice. I'm not your camcorder. I'm not your GameBoy. I am not your treadmill. I am not your fish tank. I am not your baby. I am not your problem. I am not your crutch. I am not your maid. I am not your strength. I am not the reason you hate yourself. I am not the reason you can't get enough of yourself. EVERYONE NEEDS TO FUCK OFF!! I am officially off the radar for a while.

Little Conversations - Concrete Blonde

The Little Conversation
Is Over Very Soon
And I watch in admiration
From my corner of the room.
They shine on you with starry eyes...
They rain a friendly storm.
Like kids around a Christmas tree
And then you smile all nice and warm

The Little Conversations
If I tried my very best
You know I never could say anything
In twenty words or less.
Somewhere, sometime, down the line
Someday I may confess,
And tell you all, that's all

The Little Conversations
On me are very rough
They leave me all in pieces
You know there's never time enough
It's like a book with missing pages
A story incomplete
It's like a painting left unfinished
It feels like not enough to eat.

You know, these little conversations
Well for me they'll never do
Now what am I supposed to do with
Broken sentences of you?
I'll stay in my corner 'cause
That's all that i can do
And let the others speak for me.
Little Conversations
Are We.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I don't understand how on the face of this planet..the person who took this picture completely did not wrap those most exquisite fishnet laced stems of hers around his neck in an attempt to die with a grin like no other kind of death can do? I guess he is a gentleman like myself..or a hopeless idiot that probably has no idea what to do with those delicately stringed checker boards of bliss..even if she blatantly stuffs those sexy as all kinds of any kind of hell knee in to photo-hero's chest...begging to have you be the lucky sunnnaaaavaaaa-bitch that can rip them in to tiny shreads in order to giver the screaming orgasm she needs.. I know I would not have to be asked more than once. I think I'd just feel:

Sanctified - Nine Inch Nails

or perhaps I'm Just Too:

Physical - Nine Inch Nails

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Ceaseless Squandering of Peaceful Ponderings

I DO NOT WANT THIS - Nine Inch Nails

I'm losing ground
you know how this world can beat you down
and I'm made of clay
I fear I'm the only one who thinks this way

I'm always falling down this same hill
bamboo puncturing this skin
and nothing comes bleeding out of me
just like a waterfall I'm drowning in
two feet below the surface
I can still make out your wavy face
and if I could just reach you
maybe I could leave this place

I do not want this
I do not want this
I do not want this
I do not want this

and don't you tell me how I feel
don't you tell me how I feel
don't you tell me how I feel
you don't know just how I feel

I stay inside my bed
I have lived so many lives all in my head
and don't tell me that you care
there really isn't anything now, is there?

you would know, wouldn't you?
you extend your hand to those who suffer
to those who know what it really feels like
to those who've had a taste
like that means something
and oh so sick I am
and maybe I don't have a choice
and maybe that is all I have
and maybe this is a cry for help

I do not want this
I do not want this
I do not want this
I do not want this

and don't you tell me how I feel
don't you tell me how I feel
don't you tell me how I feel
you don't know just how I feel

I want to know everything
I want to be everywhere
I want to fuck everyone in the world
I want to do something that matters

Every day here is a joke. The joke of the cruel variety. I have reached the other side and do not like this side of the fence. I wish I were on this side earlier to better know not to now what I now know. Knowing what I know is a knife to my heart every waking day. The same knife that I could have destroyed before it hurt the ones I care for now. I just want it to stop..attach wide gauged tubes to where my veins reside with epoxy and somehow manage to make a blood sausage from my own intestines before I go into shock. I want nothing more right now that to drink a bag of cement mix and take my last trip to the ocean. I feel like the biggest hypocrite in all of creation right now. I have no right to feel this way. I can not deny that I do. I am tired of feeling at all. I want to make this perpetual nightmare stop. I don't know how to feel better even though I have tried and have many reasons to not feel like this. I need a shrink or meds. I don't want to consistently feel inadequate. I am tired of being anxious practically ALL THE TIME. I've at least stopped binge-eating. But now, I don't even have an appetite any more. I drink to kill my pain..and it alleviates it for all of a few hours. But I wake up and don't want to be alive knowing I was never enough for anyone. I don't want to be around someone who I have spent nothing but months to be considerate to not have the consideration returned. I fucking hate every day I am here with the exception of but a few moments here and there. This house is a black hole that destroys only things that can't be killed with my bare hands. My spirit, my sanity, my inner sanctum, my peace, my concentration, my dreams, my will to do things, the money to do them with, my pride, my sense of what's fair...all consumed by this structure. Fucking amazing. If not for the fear of doing it wrong, fear of pain, or fear of how the few I care about would feel..I would have succeeded by now. Maybe the house will take this away from me too and then I can be at peace. This house is too much of a beast to let me go that easily. I wish it would take my memories along with everything else it has deprived and rid me of. The worst part is I did it to myself..and led myself here. Good job. Can't thank myself enough right now. Please kill me.