Saturday, December 19, 2009

A Decade of Decline and Disgrace Highlighted by Moments of Deliberation

Being in countless relationships I feel I have earned my complaining rights. Time for an overview. First to last in this 10 year long hallway of fragmented interactions. (Not in any particular order though.) Three lines at a time...whether adored or loathed...can't help the symmetry at times. So without further a'deau (however it's spelled)...sentiments.

The Raven exterior though blind as a bat
Saw through me to my core (which may or may not)
Be clad in leather armor. Birds of a feather forever.

A midget blue eyed decadent who could have injured
More than my trust or bones cast away by
The throwing of a crystal cat. Thank you for finally learning!

An O.C.D. Clean freak as a product of not wanting to appear "poor".
Spawned by a prostitute and social retard who "swore my protection".
He is now worth nothing in my eyes for what he's done, for it was everything but.

A sweet and shy wizard with a touch that was like static..
An eternally curious Master. I am still glad to see him grow and glow and his
Soul still expands with every breath he draws and expels.

The angel I've crossed paths with too many times this decade and the one before it.
Your feelings of unrest I hope have been your creative outlet.
If we cross paths again..please keep walking.

The arrogant prince with the void where one's soul is supposed to be.
Wallowing in my self-pity, you found and nurtured this monster well.
Even past your breaking knife point I won.

The guardian and savior...from day one there to protect me.
Though I can only take you in doses, you've most certainly kept
Me well though I have stirred the cage all too well. My eternal thanks.

The tormented virtuoso with enough anger to fuel a lighthouse. You almost
Made me destroy myself..I am glad you have found the inner peace you
Lacked when you were be better for your kids!

Have you ever heard of a laid back yet rowdy person? So loud to the crowd,
So soft spoken when 1 on 1. History obsessed but a truly Zen livelihood.
Your antics make me sad, but maybe one day you won't need them.

To the Camaro obsessed dramaqueen. Not a day goes by that I am
Glad to be rid of you. Hyperactive at your best, your qualities
Were once admirable. Your insecurities and compulsive lying disgust me.

The adorable little Kushka. A good kitty still to this day, our time was fun.
You are lighthearted and childish in a good way. Thanks for
Sharing your Castlevania obsessions and Matrix know hows! : )

A Nihilist with a heart, I have learned much from you and cannot imagine
Being who I am today without you. You were there for me through the worst of things.
I admire you for trying till you stopped. All for the better, we are too intense!

The ex-solder with hopes of capturing your yesteryears in a girl. Love cannot be bought.
Your lack of empathy and abundance of lust combined by your Aries attitude..
A terrible combination. You are a better friend if you want to keep people at arms length.

My first girlfriend..Thanks for breaking down the walls and thanks for helping build others.
A traitor and a chicken..a stoner and a snob...I remember you when you were a playful princess.
You expect me to care that you are in town..I want to see your hair hanging from the trees.

Phoenix's are known for their regeneration and destroying of the self. Could not suit you any Better. There is only so much a person can take after one takes all the steps to start building
Dreams. I hope you find some sort of peace within yourself these days.

To he and she that allowed me to be free. I felt us as unstoppable and enjoyed our enactments
Of shared desires. There is nothing like it in the world. A kind of bliss that not everyone can find.
To be a pet and willing slave to you both was a pleasure and an honor.

The girl who almost ripped my head off. THANK YOU! One of the sexiest women I know I will
Ever encounter. Thank you for choosing me..for letting me enjoy you and please you.
You are one of the most exuberant people I will ever know in this world!

Horror Film Queen. I wish we had more time alone. The time spent was sweet..
I hope you enjoyed me, but I guess not enough to keep me. I hope it was by
Circumstance as opposed to something I did or failed to do. I adore you!

A sweet little singer I will never stop appreciating. Your sentiment for friendship and
Common ground politics are uncanny! I was lovesick for you.. not wanting to watch you suffer. I hope you are slowly being rid of these demons. God bless your black heart!

A grand companion in my weakest times. Thank you for being a gentleman in a world with so Few. Hot as hell for your age, your inner peace shined and I think some of that rubbed off on
Me for that little while. I hope I brought some joy your way, you certainly did. Domo!

To a sexy ex-bull rider..Your spontaneity was exquisite! More fun than a roller derby,
You made my 1st stay in FL a blast. Sucks that it was so late in the trip..but all for the best.
Thank you for burying the last of my rat family with me. That means a ton. What a guy.

To the simple kind of man. A dog and a house and a lot of art about. What else is there to need?
Some awesome company and awesome friends to go to awesome shows with and the occasional
Karaoke. Stress free and a loud snoring teddy bear. Kudos to you sir.

To a sweet nighthawk..glad you are staying sweet. With a passion for books and anime, you
Are a kind hearted giant. Thanks for the moral support whilst so far away.
Keeping me safe for many cold nights. Good times!

The one with the mischief in your eyes. Silent rave and zombie escapades..Keeping the Adventure and romance alive. Too wild and drunken for my tastes...but awesome none the less.
We were close there..such amazing food and fun moments. Glad to remember them.

The guy who knows me best. I can never go a day without hoping you're ok. Your line of work Forces worry in me. You have remained one of the realest people I know and ever will. I admire Your honesty and straight forward nature. You are a GOD amongst ants! My best friend always.

My partner in crime, I never have to worry about being myself around you. Years lapse and it's
Like we only spoke yesterday! I hope we will always stay like this. Through the years,
You never change and I hope you never do.

The Most Pretty Boy In The World. I was your house cat. You were just "there". Content with Our hollow yet complacent co-existance. You never tried, I tried and you deflected all my
Attempts. You left me with nothing. After you left I shattered like an over spun wine glass. Tnx.

I always wanted you. You always wanted me to. We know it was inevitable. I think you are a Hypocrite and a liar. Lord knows what this makes me. Why did you do it? I guess if you knew, You wouldn'tve . I don't know how to want now, don't know what to want now or deserve at all.

There are quite a few things I have left out Iin here, but for now..I think this is enough. I don't even know if this has helped anyone get a better understanding of me or how I view things. I write these things because I am compelled to. I can not stop. I know that none of these people have never made me feel complete. I have felt as an accessory to try and complete them and were brought along for the ride. Some I was their first anythings. Some I've helped heal. Some I've been at the heels of. Some have been a pain in my heel. Some have kept pace and others were far behind. Others are wounds that will never heal and then there are the ones that got away. All were very insightful in some way...And I am so tired of learning, for these very reasons and lessons have taken their toll on me. I am tired of being the plug to fill the holes in people. Tired of people thinking that they are the only thing in the world to me (like in a "they're the most important person in the world" sense). I am not here for your entertainment. I am not a thing to be "had" or "taken" or "fought for". I have been happy at times, but there is a widening gap in my own heart. And I am sorry I don't know what to do about it right now. What I want, maybe no one person can ever give me. It may cost too much of themselves to do it, and nobody should ever have to do that. Perhaps better off alone or I feel I have reached my capacity for more deliberated learning and teaching. Accept me or don't. Either way will yield experience. An experience you will never forget for the rest of your days. I know in another ten years..I will not be writing out this kind of a reflection. I don't want to know this many people in the sense I came to know the ones here.

"...My heart is only getting lonelier..."- Mido in the movie OLDBOY.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Accsessory to Invisiblity

I often wondered as a child..
Is it better to be blind or deaf?
To never see the moon again
Or never hear the makings of a thunder storm
Which was worse?
It's been 4 years since I've seen my family
Yet I feel as though they don't even want to know
A single thing about me.
I spent 4 hours burning pictures
Of the people that mean the world to me..
Of the amazing things I have done in their absence..
I brought over some movies
That I know they've never viewed
I even begged to cook them foods
I know they've never had
I spent my days while I was here
Watching nothing but unnecessarily large televisions
With basic cable channels that I could have seen at home.
I got to see them buy a matching washer and dryer set
And of course they had to be red.
I also almost watched them spend some retarded amount
Of money for features they didn't need and an extra
$100 just to have it in red.
She asks me "What do you think?"
I reply " You don't want to know what I think."
Because I think that the machines you already have are
More wonderful than any I have ever seen in my life.
I think that you are spending a lot of money for no good reason.
I think that my clothes are clean and I didn't even pay for the machine in my house.
I spent 3 days having her say..
"Is there anything you want us to cook for you?
You miss the lemon chicken." I simply said
after 3 days of suggestion: " Ok. "
She says : " Pa! She said she wants you to make the
Lemon chicken." I actually said no such thing.
When it comes around to it..I also remember it having
So much more zest to it..with the help of ginger
Some egg noodles and a lot more love.
Food doesn't taste as good without the love.
She suggests we watch the movie "Orphan".
A movie she has already seen.
I tell her the big plot twist in the end and really don't need to see it.
Then she and I looked at some LOL Cats pics.
As I make my drink, she is on E-Bay.
I am beyond disapointed in my trip down here.
As I am uploading the holiday pics on to my computer,
I see all of these things that they have done together in this camera.
All the fun they have had without me..and it kills me.
All the things I wanted to do for them and with them got shot down.
I guess I am not good enough for them anymore..
I feel that I was brought here just for Pa..but he is not even him anymore.
He is a watered down accessory that gets hugged and kissed
And is working his ass off to keep a "Happy Home".
There were no questions like: "How did you sleep?","How are you feeling?"
"Is there anything you had in mind to do today?" "Is there anything you
Wanted to show us?" "What's all this talk about pictures? Let me see!"
"Anything going on with your band?" "Are you still writing?"
I spent more time with my computer and danced my ass off to keep my sanity.
My nephews didn't even want anything to do with me. They just wanted my
Snacks and I know exactly who to blame for that.
I think I've said enough.
All in all, I am happy to have seen my father..
But I feel he really didn't get to see me.
I enjoy listening to him more than anything because he at least
Always makes sense when we speak to each other.
I guess this is the only way we can understand each other for now.

Now that I am an adult, I don't have to wonder any more which of the two things I'd rather be.

"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream." - Edgar Allan Poe

Friday, November 13, 2009

Mindfucks of the Asunder #1

I was in the house and it is 4 stories high. There is an elevator in it as well. Our land lady comes up the stairs and goes straight for the ashtray. She drags me by my jaw onto the bed and codems me to perform terrible sexual acts on her..her will is strong the He enters and continues to finish her off as her body becomes whitherd and gray mixed with crimson as it turns her in to a remaining pile of paste with protruding waxy bones. Proceed to the rest of the house. Somehow in the animal room..the gliders got out, there rats I picked up that day had escaped as well and somehow there are now 4 or so cats and a pair of monkeys in the room. I watched the pile of cats somehow letting the a rat escape their grasp through the window. I quickly collected them and put them away but then there was disturbances down stairs. A woman clad in a tiny black latex dress was shoving glass plates to thieir doom on our black granite floors. The heights were dizzing and she almost fell past an unfished banister leading to our main hallway downstairs 2 flights where on one of the teirs i saw the escaped rat purched on a bar above the stairway leading up. She knew me somehow and dragged us onto the cold glass table. We choked the shit out of each other, asphxyating eachother with whatever we could find..pileing mounds of cake and narrow cream soda bottles in places i dare not say. I made sure she was screamin as I ripped each orgasm from her tremmbling, wet and filty cake layered pussy. She passes out. He calls a house meeting in the elevator room. We convien in this skylit wonder as the light pours in through intricate antique glass shining down onto beveled mirrors lining the walls. We are all there and He askes "What are you going to do?" I say, "Can I stay in here?" I look about the room and just behind the shadow of the path of light from the cieling are two moving doors on the walls that uncover a black marble walled, white marbled tub with the most beautiful pewter handles and spouts and an antique brass shower behind the 2nd door. I turn the knob and out pours brown water which turns to clear after a short while. Right after that I look through the one way mirror and see that we have an intruder..A person in a giant teddybear outfit whos Bear face is decayed and rotting. We escape through the door into the labrynth that is this house. We are chased as this metal object wielding thing narrowly misses us on several ocations. Somehow it catches me by the throat in a narrow hallway and He watches and walks his way around as he sees me trying to scream and as it always happens in my nightmares..nothing comes out, but that is not as horrifying as watching someone that you love not try and help you. I escape the bear through some manuvering and go back to my elevator room where the latex girl managed to find her way to my bed. I grab my sharpest katanna blade and my biggest one handed sword and I go after him. When I find him I go straight for his shoulder and pin him to the wall with the end of the katanna blade and with the sword remove his bear helmet. It is a young boy maybe no older than 14 with long black hair. He was left behind and tied up in the attic for about 10 year and sewn into the outfit by his wrists and forced to grow in that suit. The police took him away and as the door closes behind them, all of these people come out and conduct a party. The end.

Friday, September 11, 2009

2 Years in that "Better Place".

Wrote this one last year a little after midnight in a booth in a small Hicksville bar.


A year ago today on a breezy sunny day
The last of a dying breed
Extinct of course when most in need
To give advice to your broken daughter.
A lost, sorry and tatterded martyr..
A shell of "sorrys", "I love you" and sorrows.
In a world where I want to wake up to no tomorrow.
But then I smile at the thought of you..
And think of all the things I wish we could do.
I will see you in my dreams forever hereafter
We'll have lots to do when that day is now..
Till then, I miss you.
I hope you know that by now.

Now today will be year 2. This is what I have for you.


I wonder how you are up there..
The pain is quieter but hurts as much as the first day.
Nothing will ever make this go away..
So many questions this life throws at me
That I wish you could help me answer
A thousand times I wish you could quell my sobbing
A million regrets I try not to have
You were the one that could usually ease this restless mind.
But I still try to stand strong
No matter how much I faulter
Because if there is one thing you've taught me
It is to never give up and never give in
To the evils and devils and demons withn.
I've been numbing myself a lot
But I know this will pass
Because if we are one in the same in some screwy sense,
I will come come out of this on top.
I will try to make you proud till it's my time to cease.
I miss you and love you eternally..
Thank you for being my muse.

Cherish the moments you have with the ones you love and be there for them till the end. Otherwise, your life will be empty and hollow..I assure you. It's not about how many people you know..It's about appriciating the ones who are there.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

A Quietly Tortured Gallery of Silent Longing


Staring at the sea
Will she come?
Is there hope for me
After all is said and done
Anything at any price
All of this for you
All the spoils of a wasted life
All of this for you
All the world has closed her eyes
Tired faith all worn and thin
For all we could have done
And all that could have been
Ocean pulls me close
And whispers in my ear
The destiny Ive chose
All becoming clear
The currents have their say
The time is drawing near
Washes me away
Makes me disappear
I descend from grace
In arms of underflow
I will take my place
In the great below
I can still feel you
Even so far away