Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I don't understand how on the face of this planet..the person who took this picture completely did not wrap those most exquisite fishnet laced stems of hers around his neck in an attempt to die with a grin like no other kind of death can do? I guess he is a gentleman like myself..or a hopeless idiot that probably has no idea what to do with those delicately stringed checker boards of bliss..even if she blatantly stuffs those sexy as all kinds of any kind of hell knee in to photo-hero's chest...begging to have you be the lucky sunnnaaaavaaaa-bitch that can rip them in to tiny shreads in order to giver the screaming orgasm she needs.. I know I would not have to be asked more than once. I think I'd just feel:

Sanctified - Nine Inch Nails

or perhaps I'm Just Too:

Physical - Nine Inch Nails

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Ceaseless Squandering of Peaceful Ponderings


I DO NOT WANT THIS - Nine Inch Nails

I'm losing ground
you know how this world can beat you down
and I'm made of clay
I fear I'm the only one who thinks this way

I'm always falling down this same hill
bamboo puncturing this skin
and nothing comes bleeding out of me
just like a waterfall I'm drowning in
two feet below the surface
I can still make out your wavy face
and if I could just reach you
maybe I could leave this place

I do not want this
I do not want this
I do not want this
I do not want this

and don't you tell me how I feel
don't you tell me how I feel
don't you tell me how I feel
you don't know just how I feel

I stay inside my bed
I have lived so many lives all in my head
and don't tell me that you care
there really isn't anything now, is there?

you would know, wouldn't you?
you extend your hand to those who suffer
to those who know what it really feels like
to those who've had a taste
like that means something
and oh so sick I am
and maybe I don't have a choice
and maybe that is all I have
and maybe this is a cry for help

I do not want this
I do not want this
I do not want this
I do not want this

and don't you tell me how I feel
don't you tell me how I feel
don't you tell me how I feel
you don't know just how I feel

I want to know everything
I want to be everywhere
I want to fuck everyone in the world
I want to do something that matters

Every day here is a joke. The joke of the cruel variety. I have reached the other side and do not like this side of the fence. I wish I were on this side earlier to better know not to now what I now know. Knowing what I know is a knife to my heart every waking day. The same knife that I could have destroyed before it hurt the ones I care for now. I just want it to stop..attach wide gauged tubes to where my veins reside with epoxy and somehow manage to make a blood sausage from my own intestines before I go into shock. I want nothing more right now that to drink a bag of cement mix and take my last trip to the ocean. I feel like the biggest hypocrite in all of creation right now. I have no right to feel this way. I can not deny that I do. I am tired of feeling at all. I want to make this perpetual nightmare stop. I don't know how to feel better even though I have tried and have many reasons to not feel like this. I need a shrink or meds. I don't want to consistently feel inadequate. I am tired of being anxious practically ALL THE TIME. I've at least stopped binge-eating. But now, I don't even have an appetite any more. I drink to kill my pain..and it alleviates it for all of a few hours. But I wake up and don't want to be alive knowing I was never enough for anyone. I don't want to be around someone who I have spent nothing but months to be considerate to not have the consideration returned. I fucking hate every day I am here with the exception of but a few moments here and there. This house is a black hole that destroys only things that can't be killed with my bare hands. My spirit, my sanity, my inner sanctum, my peace, my concentration, my dreams, my will to do things, the money to do them with, my pride, my sense of what's fair...all consumed by this structure. Fucking amazing. If not for the fear of doing it wrong, fear of pain, or fear of how the few I care about would feel..I would have succeeded by now. Maybe the house will take this away from me too and then I can be at peace. This house is too much of a beast to let me go that easily. I wish it would take my memories along with everything else it has deprived and rid me of. The worst part is I did it to myself..and led myself here. Good job. Can't thank myself enough right now. Please kill me.