Thursday, November 29, 2012

Ice Hotel Heart

Sarah McLachlan - Ice

The ice is thin come on dive in
Underneath my lucid skin
The cold is lost forgotten
Hours pass days pass time stands still
Light gets dark and darkness fills
My secret heart forbidden
I think you worried for me then
The subtle ways that I'd give in but I know
You liked the show
Tied down to this bed of shame
You tried to move around the pain but oh
Your soul is anchored
The only comfort is the moving of the river
You enter into me, a lie upon your lips
Offer what you can, I'll take all that I can get
Only a fool's here
I don't like your tragic sighs
As if your god has passed you by well hey fool
That's your deception
Your angels speak with jilted tongues
The serpent's tale has come undone you have no
Strength to squander
The only comfort is the moving of the river
You enter into me, a lie upon your lips
Offer what you can, I'll take all that I can get
Only a fool's here to stay
Only a fool's here to stay
Only a fool's here


As the years pass, I find that no matter what I do, what I change, what I overcome or what I learn...I am just hurting in the end. I remember a time when I was loved...I remember being appreciated and loved back with the same love I gave forth. Now all I can remember in recent history is beyond fair compromises, abuse, neglect, being toyed with and reciprocated love. Through every mistake I have made, I have more than atoned  and corrected my behavior and mindset to make sure those mistakes never happen again. I may be the better for it, but with no one to share these triumphs, I am left feeling as the remnants of the beautiful Ice Hotel in Sweden  
I have always been a person to help people forget their woes and troubles...pick them up many miles hours just to see them..transport their souls, not just their bodies. Offer comfort and refuge to damaged friends, lovers and family (blood and otherwise). It's what I do. A transparent fort strong enough to sustain anything the visitors of my life ever needed..but fun and warmth is what was found inside.
These past few years of dealing with life-draing, toxic, vapid, stubborn, lying, monsters that have no respect for me or the changes that have made me this substantial person,(not saying I am important, but I have realized some self worth) has worn my core thin.
I am now transforming into this uninhabitable thing. Used up..disintegrating..dangerous..repulsive. I made every effort to not have people in my life that would do this to me. I also want to save lost, hurt and damaged souls. I feel too much, but I have at least learned that the best way to avoid collapse is to avoid people. It is a severely lonely and hollow existence for me personally. Since I have changed my terrible ways, I have been welcomed by even stranger predicaments. Everyone that I love either leaves me, lives with me out of convenience lovelessly, or abuses me to a point where I have to eject them from my life completely.

So, I will remain this loathsome thing drifting into the unknown until I find a good reason to either rebuild myself...or wander into warmer climates and become something new. Change may be inevitable, but my heart stays the same. It's the wanting and thoughts of the future that is driving me insane with anxiety. C'est La Vie.
Will Cotton
(American, b. 1965)
Ice Cream Cavern
oil on linen
x 80 inches

Monday, March 12, 2012

Wish I knew...

Conor Harrington -Black Herds of the Rain

Hans Kanters

I have a hard time deliberating over what is more appealing to me right now...Death or Hentai. There's no contest.