Sunday, August 24, 2014

"I Appear Missing"

Queens of the Stone Age - I Appear Missing

It's nights like this I fear for my life. Wishing it were different. Wishing for the cycles to end. Wanting to get off this sick joke of a Gravitron ride. All the thrills are gone. My true happiness is split. One end hovers like a lingering fart, the other end laughing at me secretly. I am a ghost to this place. A ghost almost everywhere I go. Not nearly as mythical, mystical or mysterious though. I can be debunked easily. The love I want taunts me ceaselessly...some days it's just easier to ignore the loogies it hacks into my face. A perpetual dunk tank. Some days, the water is colder than the last stupid time I fell in. I wonder what I taunted so bad to end up here? Just as I feel everyone got to their own unhappiness and dissatisfaction by their own doing, I am no different. I feel distracted constantly. Bullied frequently. Nights like this I feel like I am being buried alive..because some nights I feel the dirt hit my chest more noticeably than others. Some nights, there's just more dirt and I can't avoid the sensation. My joy flees me despite my craving for it to last. It seems to scurry as a child grabs a cat by its tail. I fantasize about dying more than I ever have. It comforts me to know that one day, I will not have to go to a job that a boss derives sick pleasure in talking to me like a piece of live in a place that doesn't feel like home because I have no family or friends to greet or be greeted by that I would just live to make every waking moment their happiness and dreams come support and love effortlessly..I would give the entirety of my now dwindling focus. I would give ANYTHING to be happy again. To feel again. To be allowed to feel again. I don't live to make money to pay bills and rent, but here I am doing it. My happiness is so sparse..this is why nights like this are dangerous for me. I am a person who is happy for any little thing...and I look hard and long for them (the moments where happiness lay)...but this emptiness is still growing and I can't seem to find it. Despite feeling comfortable with myself finally...I have never felt lonelier in my entire life. I appreciate the people who are with me in this journey...but I do not want to burden them with my feelings. I am also not wanted the way I would like to be wanted : as a life mate, as someone to build a future with, as not someone who completes someone else, but as two people who are whole on their own together. I almost had it..and at one time had it and lost it. I don't have the desire to go through it all again. To lose it all again. There's not much left here. I just wish the rest of me would either be cultivated, or just blown away like the last speck of crumbs at the edge of a table. I am grateful for everything in my life...but I have the right to not be happy and to want better for myself. I'll start with my soup. Need better soup.